Five Things That Never Happened to Pony Merks (and One Thing That Did)
by yuffiehighwind
Summary: Five things that never happened to Pony Merks (and one thing that did). China, IL fic. (Fanfic in progress.)
1. Chapter 1

_**Story Summary:** Five things that never happened to Pony Merks (and one thing that did)._

 _ **Story Notes:** This is a China, IL fanfic. "China, IL" is a cartoon on Adult Swim created by Brad Neely, which is about four friends at the University of China, Illinois - known as "The Worst College in America." Steve and Frank Smith are siblings who are both history professors at UCI. Pony Merks is Steve's teaching assistant, and Mark "Baby" Cakes is a former/current student/guy who just kinda hangs around campus, who is also the son of the professor of "super science," Leonard Cakes. Weird stuff happens to them every week, and they meet a bizarre cast of characters ranging from savage hippies to giant babies to robot duplicates, dream "reamers," homosexual ghosts, Ronald Reagan, Kevin Costner, wild hogs, and God himself (who likes to surf). This fic will not be that interesting. _

_[Edit: I also wrote a 5+1 fic about Pony and Steve but took it down because it has some "adult" content in it. Sign up for an account on Archive of Our Own and go read it! I 'ship Pony and Steve so hard. It's a little different from their relationship in *this* fic.]_

 _Alternate endings to S1E2 "Dean vs Mayor," S1E5 "Secret Society," S1E9 "Dream Reamer," S2E2 "Is College Worth It," S2E8 "Surfer God," and a look at the future.  
_

* * *

 **ONE**

 _thump thump thump thump thump_

"What did I say about running in the house?"

Two blurs passed Pony, one yelling, "Give it back!"

"No!"

Practiced at conflict intervention after ten years, Pony stepped in between her daughters and broke up the fight. One very cracked tablet fell to the floor. Ten years - what was this, iPad 14? - and they were still made with shitty materials.

The pouty red lips of anger on the girls' faces swiftly turned to sorrow. It was as if their pet had died.

"Listen up, hijas. You gotta learn to share your toys." Pony picked up the tablet and brushed it off. "And this is a _very expensive_ toy."

"Yes, Mamá."

That reply may have been genuine coming out of Francine's mouth, but she could see Stephanie's ironic little smirk. Patience wearing thin, Pony was tempted to slap it off her, but using violence on a Smith led nowhere.

"Now what do you say, Steffi?"

"Sorry, Fran."

"Fran?"

"Why do _I_ have to apologize? Steffi's the one who won't share the tablet! She's the one who stole it from me!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Someday Steffi's going to get what's coming to her..."

Stephanie looked up at Pony with alarm.

"...but that doesn't mean you can't be civil. Now shake hands."

"I thought girls hugged," said Stephanie.

"I know you're just going to use that as an opportunity to pull on Fran's hair, so—"

"I'm not!"

"We're not going to risk it. Shake."

The sisters shook hands, and Pony placed the tablet in a high place her daughters couldn't reach.

"Go play outside."

The girls whined in protest. Children didn't play outside unless it was a sport that required the outdoors. Otherwise, devices went with them. Some of Pony's older friends had children in their teens with cybernetics embedded in their bodies. Such implants and prostheses had changed billions of lives for the better (and worse), but minors still treated them like Pony's generation had tattoos and piercings. Their abuela would never stand for that nonsense. Pony couldn't say the same for her mother-in-law.

 _Ex_ -mother-in-law. The one whose big idea it was to name her granddaughters after her obnoxious sons.

 _"You're going to name one of them Francis, right?_ "

That one was actually Frank's idea. Considering how he'd betrayed them, Steve wasn't into it. Even after he'd gotten far away from China, gotten a job at Chicago State, and begrudgingly accepted Frank's apology for what he'd done, Steve was vehemently against naming any child of his after Frank. His mom was the one to guilt him into it, and when she heard it was twins, she was positively giddy. As if she didn't see what assholes her own were.

"You're so ugly, Franny."

"That's racist!"

They were fraternal twins, like Steve and Frank had been. Like her mother, Francine had olive skin and black hair. Stephanie was a blonde little brat like her father.

The only reason they'd gotten married was they were desperate, and the only reason they'd stayed married was Pony got pregnant. She loved her daughters more than anything, but she still resented the way she'd conceived them. (Because of a batshit crazy Mayor and a batshit crazy Dean and her manipulative jerk of a professor.)

Pony tapped her Google Glasses and made a call.

"You're gonna take the twins this weekend, right Steve? _Please_ tell me you can take the twins."

"Of course. Do I ever let you down?"

"All the fucking time."

She heard him chuckle. "Okay, do I ever let _them_ down?"

"Just by being you."

"Somebody's bitter today."

Pony glanced out the window; Fran was crying again, with Steffi dancing around her. "She reminds me of you more and more every day. What if we did something like 'The Parent Trap' and each took one?" She smiled. "And I keep the good one?"

"I call dibs on Francine."

Pony sighed. "You 'called dibs' on the wrong girl a long time ago."

"Come on, Ponygirl..."

"Don't call me that. Just be here on Saturday."

 _click_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter Note:** Alternate ending to S1E5, "Secret Society."_

* * *

 **TWO**

INT. - FRANK AND STEVE'S OFFICE - MIDDAY

 _STEVE and FRANK SMITH sit at their desks. STEVE swigs his beer while FRANK furiously scrolls through a website on his computer. He reads entries he finds aloud._

FRANK

'Shows up on time and sober.' 'Actually knows the material.' 'Challenged all my preconceptions of world history.' 'Looks super hot in a miniskirt?' Steve, these reviews on RateMyProfessor are killing us! So many kids are enrolling in Pony's classes that our courses keep getting canceled due to lack of students!

STEVE

You just haven't thought of a subject that would actually draw their attention. I mean, she actually started teaching 'Sex Throughout History' this semester. And you, Frank? 'Modern Brazil?' Are you fucking serious?

FRANK

It was something I could easily rip off Wikipedia, okay? Counts towards the World Diversity requirement too. It's an easy A, so I'm not sure why it's not getting more-

STEVE

 _Sex,_ Frank! She's teaching sex! That's why I've drafted a new course in the other direction: violence. It's called the Comparative History of Organized Crime. Classic American gangsters like Al Capone, John Gotti, Lucky Luciano…I mean, we're only 2 hours away from Chicago. That's a field trip right there.

FRANK

You are so. Damn. _Cool_. Augh! I hate you.

STEVE

No you don't.

 _PONY MERKS enters, wearing a blue blazer and pencil skirt. FRANK tenses up and glares at her. In fact, he radiates frustration and loathing._

PONY

Hey guys, what's up?

FRANK

Nothing, nothing at all. Not anything the 'professor' of the 'month' would care about.

PONY

Are you guys mad at me?

STEVE

Read the room, Ponygirl.

FRANK

We're pissed off!

PONY

There's no such thing as Professor of the Month.

FRANK

Ya-huh. The Dean just invented it. Take a look.

PONY

UCI has a Facebook page now?

STEVE

Its cover photo is the Dean bench-pressing. It's kind of erotic, in a I-want-to-vomit sort of way. Below that is today's latest post. A picture of _you_ , Ponygirl, and a caption specifying that you are, in fact, the professor of the month.

FRANK

Ha! Next thing ya know, they'll be making a 'Person of the Day.'

PONY

You're really this mad about that?

FRANK

Oh, no no no, missy. It gets even better. Your rating on RateMyProfessor is through the roof.

STEVE

Glowing review after glowing review. I'd be so proud if I weren't so jealous.

PONY

Huh. I guess you just don't want me, one of your former students, to succeed in life. Some professors you are.

FRANK

Wait, that's not...Did she just...? You can't just flip that around and-

STEVE

So in order to be good professors, we need to be happy you got tenure before us? Even if it's from...underhanded means?

FRANK

What? Did Pony give the Dean a handjob?

STEVE

No! Gross! I mean she blackmailed him.

PONY

What? That's not-I didn't-Who told you I-

STEVE

Pony, listen, I would have done exactly the same thing.

 _BABYCAKES enters, smiling. It takes him a few seconds to realize something is wrong._

BABYCAKES

Hey, everybody.

STEVE

Hey, Babycakes.

BABYCAKES

Whoah, I'm feelin' some tense vibes in here.

PONY

These two assholes are jealous all the students like me better.

BABYCAKES

I can see that. Alotta folks are talkin' 'bout you and your new courses. Everybody wants to take History now. I'd sign up too if I didn't already.

FRANK

You're still enrolled? I thought you just sort of...hung around.

STEVE

You could've graduated a long time ago if you'd actually filed your credits, BC.

BABYCAKES

Aw, but I like learnin' new stuff every year. You're never too old to learn somethin' new. That's what Dad says.

PONY

But you just hang out with history teachers, BC. Who recycle the same old content year after year. Which could be why they're getting stale, and new, younger instructors are getting more attention.

FRANK

Ugh, stop rubbing it in.

PONY

I didn't even bring it up until you started acting like petulant children.

FRANK

Steve, did she seriously just-Ugh! That's it, Pony, we're taking it outside.

 _FRANK stands and rolls up his sleeves, preparing for a fight. STEVE looks on with amusement, even a little bit excited._

BABYCAKES

Don't fight! She's got nail shoes.

FRANK

What?

PONY

He means these heels can poke out your eye if you're not careful, Frank.

STEVE

Oh my god, she's going for it. She's got the shoe.

PONY

Come and get it, Frank. What's the matter, you afraid?

FRANK

No, I could totally take you. You'd be on the floor in a second.

PONY

So what ya waiting for?

BABYCAKES

Don't fight, guys!

STEVE

Oh, man, I gotta see this. _Fight, fight!_

FRANK

You asked for it. Yaahaa!

 _FRANK throws himself at PONY, flailing his fist. It grazes PONY's jaw._

PONY

Ow! You motherfucker!

FRANK

Hehehe...Ohh, _shit_. Aaugh! Ow, ow, ow!

 _FRANK shuffles backwards, gloating. PONY launches herself at him, and after a brief struggle, PONY flips FRANK, slamming him to the floor. She grabs his arm and twists._

PONY

Say uncle!

FRANK

Never!

PONY

Say it, Frank!

FRANK

 _Uncle._ Now let me go! Ow! You psycho bitch!

STEVE

That. Was. Awesome. You flipped him _right_ over your fucking shoulder!

BABYCAKES

That was scary! Don't ever do that again!

PONY

Still jealous, Steve?

STEVE

Immensely.

PONY

Frank?

FRANK

Suck it.

PONY

Fair enough. So, are we done? Can I use the computer now and have a beer with my friends? Or are you still gonna give me shit for just doing my job? You wanna improve your ratings, go out there and actually teach. Like Babycakes said, you're never too old to learn. Open a fucking book.

STEVE

I hate to say it, Frank, but the woman speaks the truth.

FRANK

You can have _one_ beer. And hand me one.

PONY

You get one when you think of something better than 'Modern Brazil.'

STEVE

And fit into a miniskirt.

PONY

And make tenure.

FRANK

I really hate you guys.


	3. Chapter 4

_**Chapter Notes:** Alternate ending to S2E2, "Is College Worth It?" See the bottom of the page for more notes._

* * *

 **FOUR**

Penniless and stranded at the California border with a shredded passport, Pony felt not only humiliated but desperate to get home. Staying enrolled at UCI wasn't even her priority anymore, just convincing someone - anyone - she was a born and raised Red Wings fan. She'd eat a hundred Pączkis or drink gallons of Faygo to prove it. Forget carne asada, all she wanted was Koegel. Fuck China, IL. She would go back to Southwest Detroit. She missed Vernor Street.

Once he'd finally stopped laughing - (and it took a while, because as soon as he'd stop, her face set him laughing again) - Pony's brother took her plight seriously and asked what he could do.

"I don't know the first thing about getting my passport reissued," she told him. "They didn't believe me at the border, so how will they believe me at the embassy?"

"Not my problem, sis. But I'd be a lousy brother if I didn't give you a place to stay while you figure it out."

Pony sighed in relief. "Thanks, man. I was _this_ close to becoming a drug mule."

Her brother smiled, then realized she was being serious.

"Ah cabrón! Don't joke about that shit!" He buzzed his receptionist. "Sofía, no me pase ninguna llamada. Estoy para salir a comer." He hung up his lab coat and grabbed his jacket. "Let's go, sis. And no more talk about drug dealers."

The only people back home Pony knew could help were Frank and Steve. She'd otherwise sworn her brother to secrecy; their parents knowing why she was stuck there was too embarrassing. Using the last of her cash on a plane ticket to Mexico without researching, oh, fucking _anything_ first was just so...just so...

"American?"

"I'm one of those Ugly Americans, aren't I?"

"Yeah, sis, you really are. Then again, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. You get to see what it's really like down here, that it's not some racist stereotype."

"Um, okay, you just stitched up a gangster's bullet wounds, and this morning your pharmacy gave a speed addict some—"

"Cállate! I know what I am, but you saw our cousin's college. The whole country's not like this. Just, you know, the borderlands. It's totally fucked around here."

"Yeah, I know. I saw 'Breaking Bad.'"

"And your Dean's cojones?" He grinned. "That's some mad scientist shit right there. I couldn't resist."

Pony rolled her eyes. "Tu eres muy loco, hermano. Totally fucked."

It was sometime into her second week in Mexico that Pony realized how difficult it was to be a foreigner. Sure, some of the people she met were fluent in English. More than she'd expected, in fact. But since she didn't look like a gringo, they'd start chatting away in Spanish at such a speed she could barely keep up before they'd realize their mistake. It was super awkward, too.

"Lo siento, no hablo español."

"Hable más despacio, por favor."

"No te entiendo!"

Her Spanish wasn't very good and even when it was impeccable, it was in an American accent.

"Sabe hablar inglés?"

"I do."

"Oh thank God."

"Where are you from?"

"Michigan. But I'm here, uh, helping my brother out."

It wasn't the best job in the world, but it gave her something useful to do. Her brother was paying her under the table - she was an illegal alien, after all - and gave Pony all the shitty jobs that didn't require knowing Spanish (janitorial duties, mainly). He'd tried letting her assist with medical procedures, but the sight of blood and other bodily fluids made Pony sick. Cleaning the operating room became problematic for the same reason. Soiled linens and messy bathrooms she could handle well enough. Talking to patients, though...

"You see a suit walk in with a clipboard or a tablet, you don't open your mouth."

"Haven't they seen the stuff you do here? You think one illegal is gonna shut you down?"

"The INM took a page out of America's playbook."

"And if I say anything in my 'awful' accent, the jig is up?"

"Just pretend to be a tourist. That's why you came here, wasn't it?"

"In beige scrubs?"

At night she would stare at the phone and consider calling her mother, who Pony knew still had her social security card and her birth certificate. The embassy had told her this was all she needed, but her pride won out, and she planned an elaborate heist instead that involved the UCI gang breaking into her parents' house and retrieving her ID for her.

She wanted to hear Steve's nasally voice tell her this was foolish. He wouldn't answer her calls, however. Apparently the Smiths had given up on her. She hoped they never got their stupid goddamn jet skis.

"I've probably said this so many times you stopped hearing me, but doesn't the school have photocopies of your identification?"

"Why would they have kept them, though?"

"Are you stupid? You worked for the history department. I don't know if they still do this in the States, but when you get a job, they ask for a copy of your license or passport, and a copy of your social. All the embassy needs are the photocopies, right?"

Pony blinked. "How'd I forget about that?"

"If my meeting with the Dean is any indication, I'd say your college is pretty weird. Maybe they didn't need ID, I don't know. But they asked for $500,000. They don't seem shy about asking their students for anything."

"Even if you're right, I can't get in touch with Steve."

"Who needs Steve? You call Human Resources."

Several weeks later, Pony was back and relieved to be home.

Her real home.

"Mom!"

"Ponita, what a surprise!"

Pony scooped her mother up in her arms and held her tight.

"Te extrañé mucho, Mamá. Hay tantas cosas que te quiero decir."

Her mother laughed, delighted. "Where did you learn Spanish, Pony?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

Her mother grabbed two Faygo Moon Mists from the fridge, set them on the table, and said,

"Try me."

* * *

 _ **Additional Notes:**_

 _Pony's brother only appears in S1E2, "Dean vs. Mayor." He is a doctor who mostly does illegal cosmetic surgery and removes the Dean's "brain vag." He also enhances the Dean's testicles, to boost his confidence before his show-down with the Mayor._

 _The "INM" is the Instituto Nacional de Migración._

 _Pączkis are Polish doughnut-like pastries popular in the Midwest, Koegel is a Michigan meat company, Faygo is a Michigan soda company, Moon Mist is a popular flavor of Faygo, the Red Wings are Detroit's hockey team, and Vernor Street in Southwest Detroit is where "Mexicantown" is located._

 _We know from S2E3, "Do You Know Who You Look Like," that Pony never learned Spanish._


	4. Chapter 5

_**Chapter Note:** Alternate ending to S2E8, "Surfer God."_

* * *

 **FIVE**

ILLINOIS CITIZENS MADE IMMORTAL AFTER GOD RETURNS TO EARTH

CHINA, Ill. (AP) - In a shocking development, a flying man in board shorts asserting Himself to be "the one true God" appeared in China this month, revising the Ten Commandments and working miracles from the campus of a local university.

The deity manifested Itself as a Caucasian man in his mid-20s in black and white swim trunks, whose messages of love and understanding were conveyed through the music of the Beach Boys. The deity was embraced by the town's populace until the revelation of commandment number seven, which ordered followers to kill their parents.

In spite of protests, enough of China's citizens obeyed the command to reach the "next level," a heightened state of being that God and His followers claim has granted them immortality. Tests are still being conducted.

* * *

TEN WOMEN BIRTH SONS OF GOD, SUE BABY-DADDY FOR NEGLIGENCE

 _By NATIONAL ENQUIRER staff_

After a surprising turn of events in China, IL last week, ten women simultaneously gave birth to what they claim are the children of God. What the townspeople have dubbed the "Surfer God" appeared at the local college on Friday, becoming an instant celebrity and causing theologians across the globe to punch the air.

Despite such unpopular decisions as commanding his followers to kill their parents, the citizens of China have embraced the deity and continue to worship Him. God has since resurrected the dead and reunited the families, whose dinners in the future are, we posit, going to be extremely awkward.

But no more awkward than what awaits the new mothers. Our sources at the Enquirer tell us at least half the women are competing for the claim to the title "Son of God." We managed to get an exclusive interview with one of the mothers.

Pony Merks, 22, said, "Being in the spotlight has been difficult on me and my family. I want no part in any competition to call my son anything but what he is: My son. Just get his [expletive] father down here to pay our child support. For a deity, He sure is [expletive] cheap."

When asked about her grandson, Pony's mother, 51, said she was fine with God's other offspring, saying, "Aren't we all, in a way, children of God?" Aside from harassment by paparazzi and constant requests for interviews, the proud grandma said the only conflict her family faces is deciding what to name the child.

"I would love more than anything to name him Jesús, but my daughter said it's 'tacky.' We are trying to decide on another saint, but she is leaning towards more secular names." When asked what the baby's current moniker is, she replied, "For the time being, Pony has been calling him 'Little [expletive] who ruined my life.'"


End file.
